Hello! I’m Heather Daisy, and you might remember me from such films as “What To Do If Your Partner Is Horny” and “What To Do If Your Partner Is Into Breath Play.” Today we explore the wide and wonderful world of TRIGGERS.
A trigger is an action, word, emotion, smell or other noun that causes a negative, often flashback-style feeling in a person. They are often the result of abuse, trauma, or highly negative emotionally-charged situation. Triggers can happen anywhere, and anytime, which is what makes them so terrifying. What you must remember about triggers is that – like the urge to eat a whole cake and marathon-watch “Gilmore Girls” – they may lie dormant for days, weeks, months and years at a time. There may be little to warning. In fact, you may be laughing, watching a movie, discussing bills, or other mundane activity when…
WHAM!
Your partner is triggered. You may not realize it just yet. You may be confused at first by their change in behavior. You may ask, “What the hell is wrong with them?” or “Get over it and help me put these groceries away.” (I recommend refraining from verbalizing these statements.) So what can you do? Try these statements:
“How are you feeling?”
“Can I do something to help?”
“Can I get you anything, like tea or your fuzzy blanket?”
You want to show that you care and are invested in your partner’s well-being. They are experiencing a wide variety of emotions that may have nothing to do with you, but suddenly are being unleashed with the force of a ton of bricks. Your partner is beginning a physiological and emotional journey that may take hours or even days to recover from. They may be experiencing symptoms like these and more:
Increased heartbeat and blood pressure
Extreme temperatures: the chills and shakes or sweating and a fever feeling
Mood swings and less-than-rational thoughts
Fear, panic and anxiety
Generalized feeling of being “not safe”
Increased movement: pacing, rocking, fidgeting
A change in vocal tone, speed and volume
Anger, fear or other negative emotions directed at you
Know that this experience is unlikely to be about you, but about an event in their past. You may know what that is, you may not. Understanding the emotion your partner is feeling – such as anger, fear, or anxiety – will help you better bring them back to a safe place. Your partner may be able to communicate that they have been triggered, and you can begin the healing process. However, your partner may not know they’ve been triggered, and you may be called upon to test a series of self-soothing strategies until you find the right one (because saying “hey, calm down” is not as effective as one would hope). I call this your Emotional First Aid Kit! You might include items such as:
warm, fuzzy blanket
delicious tea
playlist of soothing songs that evoke a counter-emotion
dancing
favorite movie, V show or YouTube video of kittens
actual kittens
cuddles: the gentle kind or the strong, squeezing cuddles that feel like they’ll never let go
pre-negotiated physical pain
sex / orgasms
pre-written notes from family and loved ones
aromatherapy: lavender, sandalwood, bergamot
favorite smells: coffee, baking bread, vanilla
yoga
coloring with crayons or colored pencils
breathing exercises
guided visualization
journaling
crying or screaming (into a pillow if needed)
running
chocolate
self-soothing movements (stroking, rocking, humming)
go for a nature walk or to the zoo
crunchy foods
focus on a single object
positive self-talk
I encourage you to make a list of items and activities for your Emotional First Aid Kit so you can remember what kind of care to offer your partner. Your partner may also be temped to act rashly during their triggering episode. Remember, this isn’t personal. Keep an eye on them and gently discourage negative behaviors that may cause heartache later, such as anger-texting, vaguebooking, destruction of personal property, name-calling, binge eating/drinking, or giving themselves a trigger-inspired haircut.
After the storm has passed, your partner may feel a little shaky and need trigger aftercare. Reaffirm your value to them and what you like about them. They may be feeling insecure or vulnerable about what just happened. The trigger may have sparked another strong reaction, such as the need to re-assert control over one’s environment or emotions. Include in your Trigger Action Plan possible “side effect” behaviors and contingency plans.
Like floods and earthquakes, triggers cannot be prevented. But if you communicate, keep a well-stocked Emotional First Aid Kit, and help your partner find the emergency exits, you can work to minimize the damage. Now you, too, can protect yourself against the dangers of…triggers!
– Heather_Daisy