NO is a safeword – unless you negotiate otherwise– Moon_Dancer
I hate the phrase “no is not a safeword” and have found myself the victim of non-consensual violence with this used as an excuse. The only time no is not a safeword is when participating in negotiated consensual non-consent.
I think we have forgotten what consensual non-consent actually means. I say this after several conversations where I have heard really scary and dangerous things said by bottoms, things they have been told within our local community or online.
Consensual non-consent is any negotiations which outline that normal consent practices will be ignored. Like role playing where you say “no” and mean yes? That is consensual non-consent.
In normal consent practices any negative reaction (even ouch) would be cause to stop and check in with your partner and confirm consent. In kink, we negotiate consensual non-consent to fit the types of play we want.
It would be hard to have a sadomasochistic scene if every time the person flinched or cried out in pain or said any number of profanities the top had to stop and check in with the bottom. Both would negotiate the scene and identify which things should be interpreted by the top as everything is still okay, which things might mean to check in, and which things mean STOP THE FUCK. Green, Yellow, Red for example. Another would be what I look and sound like when I am enjoying myself, what I look and sound like when I am feeling challenged or uncomfortable, and what I look and sound like when I am not a happy camper.
Role playing nurse and doctor or any other scenario usually follow a script of how one person “coherses” or tricks the other into sex or a position of helplessness. Partners will discuss ahead of time what the plan for play is, and how and to express a non-roleplayed refusal of consent, such as a safeword.
D/s relationships have things stated often as commands rather than as questions or inquiries of permission. The commands fall within prearranged limits and boundaries, again, with an agreement on a safeword or similar measure.
The term consensual non-consent can sometimes sound so formal, or like something to be part of a Master/slave dynamic or such, but includes such a range of play from extremely light and fun to the more edgy play. It is more about what communication measures are being taken while playing.
– Moon_Dancer