Ten ways to tell a bullshit artist from the real thing– MasterKAOS
This writing pertains mostly to new subs that are seeking a dom, but most of the information can be applied in both directions with slight modifications and can be helpful no matter how long you have been active.
…So, you just met your first promising dom (online or in person) and you aren’t terribly sure about the situation. They claim to have lots of experience, even references and lots of past relationships, a wooden chest full of toys, etc.
The first things I’ll tell you to do, if you can manage the patience and control to invest some time in learning, go here: http://bdsmwiki.info/BDSM_101 and complete the 101 course, it’s free and it’s so incredibly informative you can save yourself a ton of aches and pains if you are just willing to invest the time and learn from a free resource.
That said, if you can’t/won’t do that and want just some bite sized nuggets here are some bullet points to keep in mind for now:
1) Experience is relative, different people can have the same experiences and walk away with entirely different meanings, lessons, perspectives, and levels of retention and comprehension. Experience is not a very good gauge to see if someone is a good match for you. What specific values do you have that might be more important in picking a potential partner?
2) Being a good dom has little to do with “experience”, which is to say, that experience can be a great help, but really the things you need to be a good dom are mostly A) a willingness to take charge of a relationship and B) basically anything else you might consider a good human should be. What do you consider good qualities of a human being?
3) Having lots of subs in the past could mean that the person nurtured lots of great relationships, it could also mean they fucked up lots of relationships and learned nothing from them. Ask more questions here. Further, having lots of scenes could mean a person is particularly talented or safe, or it could also mean that they can just talk a good enough game to convince people to play with them, which isn’t particularly hard if you are preying on newbies that don’t know any better. Ask more questions here.
4) And in case it isn’t yet clear… Ask lots and lots of questions, especially open ended ones! Listen to the answers. Are they defensive? Angry? Appalled? Do they issue demands and ultimatums (rather than phrasing as wants and needs)? If you haven’t negotiated and consented to a power exchange relationship with them, then issuing demands means they are attempting to do these things without your expressed consent. Consider if someone who attempts to dominate others without discussing it with them is something you want in a partner. Just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean a person isn’t safe and awesome and wouldn’t be a great partner for someone else, but it does mean that YOU personally don’t feel comfortable with them, and that hopefully tells you all you need to know about how to proceed.
5) People that volunteer a lot of information regarding credentials and qualifications about themselves without prompt may in fact be insecure. Consider if that might be the case. Ask more questions here. It’s a fine thing to have credentials, but it’s a bit silly to think that someone should get a free pass because of them. Would you hire a stranger as your lawyer simply because he had a business card that said he was a lawyer? Is trusting someone to tie you up and beat you or make important choices about your life less important of a choice than choosing a lawyer?
6) Even having a legit 20 years in public kink experience doesn’t mean someone will be a good partner with you for either a night or for a lifetime or anywhere in between. Someone that is brand new and has a good head on their shoulders (regardless of age) might even be a better overall fit for what you need vs what you think you want. Forget about experience levels and instead focus on finding the right individual(s) for you.
7) Educate yourself to enhance your bullshit radar. Go to lots of classes about the things that interest you, be sure to get lots of perspectives about the things that interest you most (ie don’t just go to one D/s class and assume you know all the things). Additional knowledge gives you more power to examine what a potential partner is saying to see if it’s bullshit or not. Going to classes and munches as such also has the side benefit of meeting more people if you happen to be searching for a kink partner.
8) Get what you want by knowing what you want. Do a lot of introspection and figure out what kind of person you are, what your wants and needs are (list them out), and then communicate that to a potential partner clearly and concisely; ask them to do the same. Keep doing that for the duration of the relationship.
9) There is no one true right or correct way to practice kink. Be wary and ask lots of questions of people who seem sure that their way is correct for everyone and not just correct for them. Different people have different needs. What one person considers abuse is another persons favorite kink, not to mention your needs, wants and kinks will very likely evolve over time as well.
10) Expect that BDSM isn’t safe (and neither is walking outside), and that it is a not question of “if” something will go wrong, but “when”. BDSM is a high risk activity, never forget that. Be prepared to deal with the consequences of the choices you make. Plan that not every experience is going to be perfect. Some things may even be bad experiences. Know that there are emergency resources available to you here:Emergency_BDSM_Resources……
Give all of that a whirl.
If you can manage to keep those few things in mind you may escape the trap of “how do I know if this dom is bullshit or not?”.
If you like this post and/or the wiki, please love and share so others can benefit.
Sincerely,
~K
– MasterKAOS