What BDSM is not
I was recently reminded how much I dislike it when people are so passionate about their own opinions that they assume their way is the only right way, and that reminded me of this essay written in 2005. I hope someone out there finds it useful or interesting, and I hope that if/when someone tries to force their opinion about BDSM 0n you —you smile and take it for exactly what it is, one person’s opinion in a world where everyone has an opinion and each of us is most successful if we educate ourselves and form one of our own.
What BDSM is not — by vegasvixen
I have read a wide variety of articles and essays that could all be generally categorized as “what BDSM means to me,” and I thought it might be interesting to take the opposite train of thought for a change and think about what BDSM is not, or at least what is should not be.(in my opinion) My definition of BDSM for this specific article would not just be Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism, but a broader definition consisting of the people who practice these activities and participate in Dominant/submissive relationships.
All joking aside about having an organization that doesn’t have to pay taxes, BDSM is not a religion. There are no official rituals, no ten commandments, and no bible. There is intelligence, compassion, experience, and common sense. There is no one true way, and while there is significant potential risk for physical and emotional harm, people who do things their own way are not heretics, and no one is going to burn in hell for not doing it “the right way.”
BDSM is also not a race or a competition. No two people have the same exact needs, or the same exact destination in their exploration of life. No two people gain insight, perspective, and knowledge at the same pace, or from the same experiences. The only competition should be with yourself, to be the best you can be, and to live up to your own values and ideals. While we all love to show off our “tools of the trade,” and exchange war stories, having the most toys/subs/scenes under one’s belt does not necessarily make you happy, and certainly doesn’t make you a superior person to anyone else.
BDSM is not a guarantee. The vast majorities of people who are “BDSM active” do practice the values such as honesty, integrity, and honor which are so often referred to in the “what BDSM means to me” articles. However, this community is a cross section of the entire human race which consist of a wide variety of good and bad people. You still have to be responsible, and use good judgment about whom you trust. Just because someone is involved in BDSM doesn’t make him or her automatically “OK.”
Lastly, BDSM is not a fairy tale. The bills still have to be paid, the kids fed, the chores done. People still get sick, and sometimes get hurt unfairly. Life continues to interfere with the best-laid plans. All good relationships take work from both partners. I believe that it’s actually more difficult to sustain a meaningful “BDSM relationship,” but if you are willing to approach it intelligently and realistically, and to invest the necessary effort, a “BDSM relationship” can be one the most rewarding things in your life.
copyright vegasvixen 2005
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