What is BDSM?
BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. I’ll get into what each of those means below. Note that none of these things are inherently sexual, though they can be.
Some view BDSM as a hobby. Some view it as a way of life. Some view it as something they like in the bedroom. Some view it as an orientation.
Ultimately, BDSM is what you make it.
Who can engage in BDSM and why?
Anyone who consents to it legally (over the age of eighteen). People of all ages past that, all genders and sexualities, other lifestyles, etc., engage in BDSM. As for why, well, there’s plenty of fun to be had.
What is bondage?
Bondage can take many forms, but essentially it is the restriction of movement. The Top is the partner who is doing the action, whether it’s in bondage or anything else—such as the one doing the tying, swinging the implement, or whatnot. The bottom is the one receiving the action—such as the one being tied up, being struck, etc. Bondage can be done with rope in various forms, ranging from the ornate Japanese Shibari, to simply tying someone’s hands behind their back. You can suspend people from the ceiling with bondage, or simply tie someone to a bedframe. Additionally, there is mental bondage, in which the bottom is simply told not to move, generally with some sort of consequence if they do. Predicament bondage is in place when someone is forced to stay in a position to avoid something unpleasant (say, on tiptoe with something sharp under their heels). Bondage can also include gags and blindfolds.
But… why? For some, bondage is an erotic thrill—muffling sounds of pleasure or pain with gags, adding a surprise element with a blindfold, adding a sense of vulnerability with not being able to move. For some, it’s part of a power exchange—that vulnerability or the consequences of moving. For some, the fun is simply in the ornate tying or the beautiful results (some say the beauty is in the bottom, some say the beauty is in the rope). For some, it’s just a thrill on its own, and some enjoy the sense of calm it can bring (similar to “stimming” in the autism community).
Bondage can be done with cuffs, with rope, with blindfolds or gags, with bondage tape (which only sticks to itself), with regular tape, with saran wrap, with nothing at all… it is all up to the players’ preferences.
What is discipline?
No doubt, you’ve heard the word discipline before. The same applies in the BDSM world. In this case, discipline happens between two consenting partners, one of who has consensual control over the other (generally a Dominant, the other a submissive, roles which we’ll talk more about later). When the submissive one breaks a rule that the Dominant has set, discipline occurs—whether physical, whether by chores or privileges taken away… it depends on the dynamic set. Some do not engage in discipline at all, just like any element of BDSM. But some love this element especially as a form of self-improvement and pleasing their partner, which in turn pleases them.
What are Dominance and submission?
Dominance and submission is, on some level, exactly what it sounds like. One partner is the Dominant, or Dom/Domme, and is the partner in control, whether it’s in a scene (play/kink session), or in their relationship. One partner is the submissive, or sub, and is the partner controlled by the Dominant, completely consensually, in whatever circumstances they have agreed upon.
Some Dominants and submissives are only that in the bedroom. Their orders are generally sexual, or relate to sadomasochism or bondage, etc. Some are 24/7. Some call themselves Masters, Mistresses, or slaves. All of this is 100% consensual, and either partner may leave or, in some cases, use a safeword (essentially, say no) at anytime.
So, what does this look like? In a more relationship-based dynamic, the submissive may have rules to follow, or assignments to complete. Failing to do so usually results in a punishment, which is still consensual, though not pleasant. In a bedroom-based dynamic, this just means that one partner is in control in the bedroom (or, metaphorically the bedroom).
This is fun for many people, some for a more sexual thrill, some who simply like more structured relationships. It’s a hobby like any other, or a lifestyle like any other.
What is sadomasochism?
Sadomasochism, or sadism and masochism, is kink (alternative behavior) that involves pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain consensually on a masochist, the masochist enjoys having pain inflicted upon them consensually by the sadist. People enjoy it for different reasons, some sexual, some as a bonding experience with the partner, some for the sensation, etc.
This happens in a lot of different ways.
Pain can sting, pain can thud. (Sting like a slap, thud like a punch.) It can involve temperature, or pressure, or impact, or scratches or cuts.
Some examples:
- Impact Play – This involves kinks such as spanking, whipping, flogging, paddling, caning, etc. Essentially, the sadist strikes the masochist with either their hand or an implement. Different implements create different sensations.
- Temperature Play – Also covered under “sensation play”, which we’ll talk about later, temperature can induce pain—whether it’s dripping hot candle wax within a safe zone on the masochist, or running ice cubes over sensitive areas.
- Pressure – This usually involves clamps, sometimes as simple as clothespins, sometimes specialized clamps for certain areas. In any case, these, or even the fingers or teeth for biting, are used to pinch areas of skin to produce pain, as long as it doesn’t damagingly cut off circulation.
- Scratching/Cutting – Everything from wartenberg wheels (spiky pinwheel like things) to knives can be used for this, safely.
What is sensation play?
Sensation play is a lot like sadomasochism, except instead of pain, it’s about sensation. Temperature play on the less extreme spectrum, or for someone who enjoys it; lightly scratching with things, light pressure, light impact, massage, some electricity, etc.
How do you stay safe?
- Always having a first aid kit handy.
- Filling out negotiation forms (like a checklist of what you will and won’t do).
- Having a safeword (a word that means MAYBE or NO, such as yellow or red in the stoplight system).
- Meeting in public spaces with a safe call, basic dating safety.
- Doing your research and using common sense.
- Engaging in aftercare, taking care of yourself and your partner after play/a scene, if required.