Things I Wish People Had Told Me When I Started BDSM, Part I. TheFerrett

1) Some Scenes Will Get Fouled, And That’s Okay.
This is a high-wire act we’re doing, this blending of pain, terror, and pleasure. Sometimes despite all the safety, you lose balance and fall.

On the good nights, you do your Domly Dom thing and shove her to her knees, yank down her panties, and apply palm to ass until she’s dripping wet enough to shove it in.

Other nights, you can do the exact same thing and you get tears – the meltdown red kind of tears that involves backing off, cuddling, and bringing her cocoa until she feels better.

That happens.

BDSM is exactly like sex, in that someone who claims they always have mind-blowing sex probably has pretty low standards. And bad sex is at least intended to be pleasurable. A slap to the face usually isn’t. If the mood is wrong, the scene sours into mild trauma.

And annoyingly, there’s sometimes no way to tell the mood except to just fucking get in there. Sometimes, my wife asks, “Sweetie, can you set me on fire tonight?” – but I apply the flames and her body screams NOPE and she shivers in terror until I calm her down. Sometimes she grips the back of her neck and self-soothes and we push through until the scene is awesome.

Sometimes it tumbles into awkwardness. Just an embarrassed, shivering woman and a pile of equipment that now needs to be put away.

That’s fine.

When you’re touching the emotional hot zones that BDSM brings up, and especially if you’re exploring vigorously, you’re going to cross that line from “I think I can take this” into “holy shit my nerves are exploding please stop.” And making the breakdown personal and getting upset about this halt because you didn’t mean to hurt her hurt her just means two people are demanding reassurance. That rarely ends well.

As a top, I’ve come to learn that some days, all the experience in the world can’t salvage a scene, and your best bet is to let it collapse. Back off, express comfort, and tell them they did nothing wrong. Maybe analyze a little later to see if you can pinpoint why tonight’s face-fucking went wrong when last week’s face-fucking was so epic.

But.

Sometimes there’s not a good reason. There’s a mysterious chemistry to this whole thing, a Magic 8-ball that says “MY SADISTS SAY NO.” The shivering heebie-jeebies can mean you did something wrong, so being committed to looking is what righteous folk do…

…but some nights, digging for self-blame is counter-productive. The Bad Scene happens to all of us. It’s not wonderful. But it’s a part and parcel of this, far as I can tell.
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