What Makes a Good Dominant – By Kim Debron

We often hear people in the scene talking about this Master or that Mistress, this Dom or that Domme, we hear good things and bad things, things to make our hair stand on end, things to make us laugh and things to make us cry.
Of course believing everything bad you hear, is not a good idea, as many statements come from rumours and hearsay.

It’s not only bad things we hear though, word of mouth recommendations are usually accurate, and so if someone tells you that Master X or Mistress Y is a good Dominant, then you could reasonably expect that to be close to the truth.

So what is it that makes a good Dominant – what qualities does a person need to wear such a label.

I have answered this question on other forums with this quote:

‘A good dominant does not have to blow His own trumpet – he just “IS”. He doesn’t have to demand respect, He gets that anyway, He doesn’t have to announce to the world who He is, because His reputation and the respect of His peers precede Him.’

Of course there is much more to it than a simple quote – the qualities in a good Dominant are many and varied and in reality the qualities are really attributed to the PERSON – by that i mean that a particular man (or woman) is a good Dominant because He or She possesses qualities that are the essence of a good person.
A good person has qualities such as kindness and consideration, empathy and sympathy, politeness and respect of others, honesty and ethics, and probably many more that could be added to this list.
It is those qualities which give a person the character, personality and skills to be good at anything he or she does, whether it be a career, family, or dominance – or submission for that matter.

A good Dominant will not read a few pages on the internet, have a look through a book and then declare himself an experienced master with many years experience and several “trained submissives” under his belt.
Most good Dominants have taken the time and trouble to attend workshops and seminars and have perhaps had lessons from or sought advice from other Dominants more experienced than themselves.

There are many so called Dominants who do not know the difference between being dominant and being domineering.
A domineering person thinks that it is all about “being in charge” no matter what. Domineering people are often overbearing, loud and tyrannical – yes they exercise control, but it is done in an oppressive way, they are unjust and severe in their treatment of the people around them and their control is often enforced with threats of physical punishment and with no thought for anyone but themselves.
On the other hand, a Dominant person also exercises complete control but it is done in a more subtle way, with influences and thoughts rather than threats and physical punishments.
Dominants care about the people around them, and though they can be authoritarian and powerful, they have the utmost respect for others and a high level of care and consideration.

So a good Dominant, takes responsibility for the submissive or submissives in His life, he controls them and dominates them, but He is empathetic to them and sympathetic to their needs, understanding that for any submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission.
A good Dominant is respectful of others, both submissive and dominant, and is not too proud to ask for advice or help if it is needed.

A good Dominant is the one whose name comes up in conversation time and time again, he is the one who is sought out for advice, or help.
He is the one who other Dominants aspire to be like, he is a role model to up and coming Dominants, and he is the one that many submissives would like to belong to.
A good Dominant is popular within the scene and makes time for everyone, and more importantly, does not belittle others, no matter what he may think. He treats everyone with respect and kindness, but does not suffer fools and is not afraid to speak his mind and tell someone off should it be necessary.
He also tries to be non-political, as far as is possible, not entering into arguments or disagreements, but instead is more likely to act as a pacifier and an arbitrater in an effort to diffuse the situation rather than inflame it.

And of course with this, comes the “tall poppy” syndrome.
There are jealous people in every group or society, people who are consumed with it and who will try to discredit someone at every opportunity.
Most good Dominants simply ignore the criticisms and barbs aimed at them, as they are secure in themselves and know that fires without fuel will eventually die.

From a personal point of view, belonging to a Master whom many consider to be a “good dominant” and being well respected and high profile within the scene, also affects me and my life with Him.
I have to constantly share Him with others who need or want His attention. I have to understand that when we are out, people will gather around Him, He seems to draw people to him no matter where we are.
I also have to be very careful of any comments or actions of my own, as my behaviour is a direct reflection on Him.

I am often asked by other submissives what life is like with Master Joe…
Is He tyrannical and pedantic? Is He unreasonable? Is the D/s as good as you thought it would be?
The answer is – yes He can be tyrannical, and pedantic and on occasions unreasonable, but tempered with that is the underlying caring and compassion and the fact that He is not thoughtless, or oppressive in His Domination. He simply wants things done His way, and if i conform to that, and conform to how He wishes me to behave, then there is never a problem.
He has taught me through encouragement and thought association, and not through threats of punishment or domineering behaviour. He does not say “My way or the highway” but more “My way, but we can discuss it and I will explain it so that you understand what is I am asking of you”

i have been with a domineering man who thought he was a Dominant.
This person convinced me that he knew it all, that he was experienced and had trained other submissives before me. He convinced me that there was no need to mix with others at events as that was for ‘newbies’ and was boring for anyone of his standard. How is that for arrogance!
He had me on an emotional roller coaster for 8 months with no care or consideration for my feelings and my submission, just what he could get out of it. His punishments were harsh – and i know now, also dangerous.
There is a big difference between someone such as him, and my Master – they are worlds apart.

And to answer ‘is the D/s as good as i thought it would be’….. It is far better than i thought it would be – and i have learned many things about myself and my life.
There is no door except the one through which He can lead me. There is no end to this relationship as it is a never ending journey with so many new things to see and learn along the way.

So in conclusion, I can say that in my opinion, a good Dominant is the one who is looked up to by his peers and sought out by Dominants and submissives alike, for friendship, and advice. He is well respected and well liked due to his nature and personality, and gives much of himself to others.

And he doesn’t have to blow his own trumpet!