10 things to never do with your new to poly or monogamous partner when you are Poly.


10.Send them unsolicited articles that rave about how great being Poly is.

I know you think you mean well, but its just a passive form of shoving it down their throat. Let them figure out for them if this works, Its ok to offer suggestions or to recommend various media source but dont force it

  1. Trivialize or downplay their fears.

Remember that to them they are real and valid, even if not to you. Telling them to get over it or that how they feel is not important does not help. Other ways you can do that indirectly.. look at your phone while they are talking to you, give short hurried responses, immediately racing off after they have shared with you these fears leaving to go be with your other partner. Offer a respectable amount of time so that it doesnt make you look like your other partner is more important.

  1. Compare or even bring up your other partners when they are telling you how they feel.

You might think you are helping but you arent. Trust me when I say that your partner does not give two shits about how your other partner dealt with it in that moment. My experience is most people when being vulnerable want to know you hear and understand them and if they are met with a response about how your partner dealt with it, it sends a message they are better than them or that they are somehow wrong because they dont have it figured out. Trust that if they want to know about how your other partner handled things they will ask. Short and sweet when they are opening up .. keep it about them and your relationship.

  1. Take no responsibility in the fact that you are the glue that holds everything together.

You want to have a Poly relationship with someone who is monogamous, or exploring it and new, take responsibility in all that comes with that. Its going to mean late nights talking about feelings, Its going to mean extra time and attention that if you dont, cant or wont to put into that relationship then dont waste their time or yours. Dont make them feel bad either, about taking up that time..

  1. Put demands or expectations on when they should be ok with it or get over it.

I am sure that you didnt wake up one morning and say “Hey world I am Poly!” And Wham ! life was grand. No, chances are you gradually got to feel your way around and see what worked for you and what didnt, Give the same respect to your partner.

5.Pressure them to have a relationship with your metamour.

I get it the chances are there will be some commonalities between your partners based on your preferences. Maybe under different circumstances they could be friends or more, but let that happen naturally, Just because you see your Poly life one way may not be how they see theirs. Dont set them up on dates, constantly pressure them to talk to each other, or to put them into long periods of time or situations together, and expect everyone to be ok right off the bat.

4.Infer, directly or indirectly that how they chose to love will make them less than whole, and that by not choosing to be ok with Poly will make them less than whole.

A common theme among people who are poly is “No one person can fulfill youre every need” While there is truth is that, some people are ok knowing this and still remaining monogamous and do not feel less than whole believe it or not. Even if that is their choice, it does not give you or anyone else the right to tell them they are less than or not a whole person.

  1. Dont take them for granted.

If you have someone in your life who is monogamous and is willing to explore what having a poly relationship with you would look like dont be a douche bag and take that for granted. There is a laundry list of concerns, issues that someone who is monogamous and with someone who is poly. Dont abuse that.

  1. Push or violate their boundaries.

If you really want this to work then go at their pace and comfort level. Its ok to check in every so often to see if they are still in that same place, but not all the time. You may have to accept that they will never change those boundaries and be ok with that. Think of it this way.. If you had negotiated a scene with someone and discussed the hard/soft limits with them prior, you would never consider breaking that intentionally pressuring someone to go past those in a scene.. Dont do it now. Remember this isnt a 30 min or a couple hour scene. This is a life changing decision give the same consideration you would to them that you would give if it were a scene. Just Consider this a long term scene. Set up check points if you want to see if they have changed.

1.Shame them for how they think of feel currently about the situation.


State how this works when everyone communicates but then fail to want to be the one who communicates or doesnt have time or interest in it.