When people ask how to become involved in kink or how to learn, the first thing they are told is “go to a munch!” Munches are a great first step, but like all first steps they can be intimidating if you don’t know what to expect or how to behave.
So what is a munch?
A munch is a gathering of kinky people in a vanilla setting, usually a pub or cafe. You don’t have to worry about being outed, they look like a business group or a hobby group meet-up, not a bunch of deviants. There is a lot of socializing friendly conversation and eating (munches are almost always held where there is tasty food!).
What to wear?
Dress the way you would normally dress on a Tuesday evening (or whatever day its held on). The general rule is NO fetish wear. Discrete collars are fine, but obvious kink gear is discouraged (or out right banned).
What do I do there?
A munch is a great place to meet people in the community. You quickly get a sense of who’s who. Many munches have ambassadors, people to greet new folk and introduce them around a bit. Talk to people, listen a lot. If you approach the munch in an open and friendly manner, you will walk away with at least a few new friends. Chances are you will learn about some of the play parties around your city. Often you can’t get an invite to those parties unless you go to a munch and meet people first (they want to make sure you can act like an adult, have reasonable social skills, etc before inviting you into their home or private play space).
Any rules I should know about?
Some munches have specific rules about who can attend, for instance TNG munches are 18 – 35 only, there are sub only or Dom only. Be sure you are following those rules.
Once again, do not wear any sort of fetish wear or obvious signs of kink.
Don’t expect to take pictures. Cameras and photos are usually not allowed at kink events. If you really have to take a picture, check with the organizer and make sure everyone in the frame is ok with a photo (beware of people in the background)
At many of these events, name tags are provided. Please remember to use the name on the tag (sometimes people use a scene name to help with privacy). Also, the use of titles may be discouraged, don’t use them unless you’re sure its okay.
Munches are not the place to pick up partners – its rude to try to use them in this way. Focus on making friends and learning the dynamic of your local group.
Munches are a great place to meet a potential partner that you’ve been chatting with on-line. There isn’t any pressure to play so you can focus on getting to know each other.
Things to remember
Munches are all different, the first one you attend may not be the right group for you. Try a couple until you find where you fit in. E-mail the organiser with any questions you have.
Size matters – some groups are big, others small. Know what you’re getting into, if you’re shy in groups the biggest munch in town may not be for you.
Talk to everyone. Don’t just talk to people you find attractive or who have a specific role. Dominants can learn a lot from submissives, bedroom only people can learn from 24/7 ones (and vice versa!) BDSM is dynamic, it’s always growing and changing and we should never stop learning.
Remember that this is a vanilla event – act appropriately. You shouldn’t go to a munch trying to act Dominant or submissive, be yourself. If people are unsure of your role they will ask. Also, it’s ok if you don’t know your role yet! You’re new, exploring, don’t be afraid to tell people that.
Be prepared to see things you may not have seen before – try not to gawk or stare. Most people will answer respectful questions about themselves, pointing out that you’re new can help too.
If you make mistakes own up to them, apologise and learn. We were all new once and most people are happy to kindly explain what you did wrong and how to fix it. Everyone makes mistakes, it shows the quality of your character to handle them with grace. Alternately, if others make a mistake with you, be gracious about correcting them.
While not a munch specific rule, don’t touch anyone (in any way) without their consent. You will often hear kinksters asking if they may hug each other – we are friendly people for the most part, but we also respect each others bodily autonomy – always ask before touching, even if you think it’s an innocent touch. No one will get angry because you asked, they can and will get upset if you don’t ask!
©Nymphetamean 2013
Munch Etiquette « BDSM and Sexuality with Nymphetamean