Recently, I was contemplating the situation of being single in the Scene because of an email I received from someone concerning interacting with male dominants. Essentially, she responded to the sexual whims of the men she met online from the space of not having any boundaries set. Part of her inquiry to me was why does she do this? I couldn’t answer that of course, but it did spur me to consider the topic of being single in the Scene.
When we first come to the community, it’s like entering an amusement park. There are so many wonderful avenues to explore and adventures to be experienced. We want to take it all in. Often time, caution is thrown to the wind (a big no-no), and we are flying free without a parachute. We hear so many views on how a bottom/sub/slave should be. “Well, if you’re really a sub, then you’d do what I tell you to do.” Or, “Real slaves have no choice.” Of course the list goes on and on. It really isn’t always easy being single in our little corner of the world.
My experience is just that, mine. I ran into my fair share of difficulties as a single woman in the Scene. As time went by, things got better. By setting our boundaries, we can ensure that we are navigating the ‘lifestyle’ waters as safely as possible. This is a personal responsibility that each of us have that is at its core about self preservation. If you’re unsure about playing in private, say so. If you’re truly not comfortable with catching the Greyhound to meet someone 500 miles away from your home in some random hotel room or in their residence, then that’s probably not going to be a great experience for you. If you don’t desire to play with or serve someone that is married, do yourself a favor and maintain that boundary. Yes, these examples are more extreme, but even some of those subtle more flexible boundaries should be maintained until you are ready to change them.
So, what makes some of us disregard boundaries that help to maintain our safety? Well, there may be many reasons, but the one I’d like to speak about now is fear. When I’ve ignored my limits as a single woman and left myself exposed to unnecessary dangers (whether physically or emotionally), usually it’s been fear related. “Oh, I don’t want anyone to speak poorly of me,” “I don’t want people to think this is a game for me,” etc. We all fear many things, but I think once we come to the Scene, I believe many if not most newbie subs/slaves fear being alone. Better yet, they fear being seen as not submissive or slave enough to be scooped up. In some way, in the minds of too many, being ‘taken’ is validation of one’s slave heart or submissive nature. Heaven forbid you’re single too long – something must be wrong with you.
In my world, being single is a choice that provides me the space to assess myself and desires objectively and subjectively. As a result, I’m very confident in enforcing my boundaries, expressing my needs, and giving the gift of good-bye if need be. It was a process, but I had to (and still have to) challenge my fears along the way in order to arrive at this point. When you look back five years, or it could even be a month from now, you’ll be grateful that you stood your ground with Sir/Ms. Doms-a-lot and didn’t meet up in some secluded no-name motel by the roadside. Your worth far outweighs such nonsense.
Lots of love,