The BDSM Cult/How to be a Predator by CocoJones
My entry into the kink community brought me into immediate contact with scouts for what I like to call the BDSM cult. Recruiters for abusive relationships all under the name of sexual discovery. After several run-ins and some trips down some fairly disturbing paths (ah, memory lane..) I emerged into the light and have since taken a harder look at the tactics thrown at me.
Rather than talk about what is included in the ideology of the BDSM cult I will highlight what it excludes. Informed consent, mutual negotiation, limits for anyone but the Dom/Master, and a gradual build up of a safe, trusting relationship. Why, you might ask? Well, because it is not about a mutually negotiated power exchange. It is about a relationship based on one-sided control. Control that takes away choice and power from another person in ways that cause harm.
So let’s get to it. Want to recruit to the BDSM cult? Here are the steps. While I can’t say I have included all of them, I can say that each of these techniques were used on me at some stage. I will tackle these from the eye of the predator. Just because.
Let’s start with the most basic rule.
1) Get a newbie. They have no fucking clue what is up or down. Except for the many layers of survival skills and common sense they have amassed over the years. Doesn’t matter. There is a lot of sexual repression in our culture. When someone’s first exposing this angle of their sexuality to the light of day their guard is not up the same way as it might be in other circumstances. They are stepping through the doorway of shame and you, sexually freed being are there to be their guide. Also fantasy is light years from reality. But at this stage it seems closer. So this is your window to feed into the fantasy. It draws attention away from the true nature behind your actions.
2) You are the expert. You have vast amounts of experience in this. You have so much to teach and you just need infinite trust. If at all possible get some kind of title. Have some kind of important position where you are viewed as the expert, preferably in the context where nobody knows any better. Teach BDSM classes at a vanilla venue, sell some kind of kink product at a place where you are the only vendor. Whatever your role, you need credibility. Starting out with a power imbalance is really important here.
3) Go in quick. This dynamic has no room for negotiations or mutual exploration. This is a rare shot to move forward with a really experienced guide. Don’t give a lot of time for someone to think about little things like their boundaries, limits or capacities to negotiate. It’s now or never, are they in or out?
4) If your technique is really refined throw around lingo on how progressive you are. Vastly misuse terminology. You are a pansexual recruiting a boi. But wait….don’t go too far. Because of course you are a true dominant with an eye for spotting… a true submissive. A newbie may try to point out they identify as a switch or aren’t sure. You can go down different paths at this stage. You can tell them everyone needs to learn kink from the side of submission first before they can explore dominance. You can also tell them that while you think they are submissive they may not actually be but you aren’t sure yet. You may want to talk a lot about ‘training’ at this stage.
5) Try to work rape fantasies early into the conversation. If you are really skilled, ask a crowd. Get everyone with rape fantasies to raise their hand. I admit I’m not sure if this one is done to plant the seed or to self-justify the act. Any predators want to weigh in?
6) Grandiosity. It doesn’t matter how shit your job or life is, YOU are special. If you are unemployed (or your job is, indeed, shit) you need to cover that up. Lie through your damn teeth if you have to. You are important. Everyone needs to know this. You aren’t just a security guard, no, you are a fucking bounty hunter. If you have an associates degree in sociology you are an expert on human psychology. Anything you have done in your life is a feat of human achievement. You don’t just listen to the radio. You are the radio. If you are a Narcissist you get bonus points here.
7) Use lots of anecdotal evidence to back up your vast knowledge on everything. You are the expert on life. No matter how sexist, racist, homophobic, etc it may be. Start off sentences with things like ‘In my experience women driver’s are… “ Of course balance this with your progressive lingo because you don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea…
8) Don’t let any little no slip by. This will be your early stages of grooming. Your newbie asks for cream in their coffee? No, you don’t think they should have any today. See how they react. (OK, then relent, give them the fucking cream, because you don’t want to seem too abrasive. Just yet). Tell them you like their hair down. Now ask them to take their hair down. See if they do it. For you. Tell them no, they shouldn’t go out tonight. Just because. These are your own little micro-aggressions. You know you are going to build on that shit.
9) If at all possible get a sidekick. Possibly someone who hosts parties. They can help you in your recruitment. Have them talk about things like the ‘old guard’ and put on a history lesson. This makes you seem really legitimate. You are being supported by someone else who ‘really knows their stuff’. Make them appear non-threatening and trusting. They are your partner in coercion. You can expand out on this and surround yourself with a group of people who buy into your bullshit. This makes it all look more legitimate.
10) Don’t forget the drama. The community is so filled with drama. You really like that word. You aren’t on fet because of the drama. You don’t go to certain spaces because of the drama. Drama is code word here. It means you don’t engage with certain spaces because you get called on your shit. You can’t let your newbie see this in action. They might begin to question your…authenticity. Yeah, drama.
11) Don’t let them leave. If you have done your job well, they should be scared of you by now. When your newbie does get the fuck away from you through sheer determination engage the BDSM cult army on them. You don’t want to seem weak, right? The army (often found on the internet especially on FL…) will begin the attack when someone is just getting their power back. Why didn’t you safeword during your rape? You are a Dom’s worst nightmare! You should have known better, what were you wearing again? The BDSM cult does not like members to leave. They will shame, degrade and manipulate every step to getting free of this. I like to call this victim blaming.
Once you have recruited and disarmed someone, congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a non-negotiated power dynamic where, you have all the power. Of course it is missing something called informed consent. Oh, yeah. When you charged in with all of your sexual enlightenment you forgot to mention subtle things like negotiation and limits. The BDSM cult version of a D/S dynamic doesn’t place a lot of importance on these things. I mean you care about your limits. You aren’t into things like scat or animals. Probably. But you are into control. That kind of control that sucks away free will and individuality. Now that, you can really get off on. For the victim who is now engaged in an isolating, abusive dynamic they may even get a kind of Stockholm Syndrome and begin defending the BDSM cult model to others.
Okay now that I have opened the window into the delightful world of predatory tactics let me bring it all back in. I am a bit ranty. I talk a lot in forums about setting the baseline at a certain level before I will engage without having ‘a tone’. I use the words victim blaming. A lot. Want to make someone really angry? Take their power away. And then watch as they get it back. It is like a never ending fountain of pure, unfiltered rage. Luckily, when it is channeled it can be used constructively for healing.
I want everyone who has had their power taken away in non-consensual ways to get it back. I have learned the hard way that until someone reaches out all I can do is wave from the shore. Hoping someday they will want to engage with concepts of informed consent and everything that makes participation in this lifestyle different from actual abuse. All while unraveling the twisted shit that was presented as BDSM and understanding and healing from the impact it may have taken on their life. However as long as the BDSM cult is out preaching and recruiting new members I won’t just stand back and say, ‘it’s not my style but who am I to judge?’ No, I judge the fuck out of it.
The response I am getting to this demonstrates to me the need for this to be said and the strength of the community as a whole. If my writing helps anyone avoid and spot these tactics for what they are, then mission accomplished. If it connects with what anyone has experienced I hope that labeling and understanding these behaviors helps you to heal. My community has been confronting the serial rapists and abusers in our midst. It is not easy. Those who take part have accused of being part of a ‘witch hunt’, a ‘lynch mob’ and there are attempts to reduce it to starting drama (funny, since predators love that word too!). It is much, much bigger than this and is a fight that needs to be fought. I am floored by how many of you in communities across the world are speaking up. Thank you for this.
There are other great suggestions in the comments others have made, take time to read those too. Skip over the occasional land mine…any thread on a topic like this will attract a few victim blamers (and the like).